The Old me

A party could not go on without me joining. I lived to party and many sins followed I had so many demons attached to my soul I walked around smiling but dying inside. I was raised right but I carried alot of hate, unforgiving and confusion around with me for many years and though all the fault dont lay on my pass it had alot of push in this life I lived. I was molested as a child and my dad had died at a young age, my mom remarried and I hung on Don't like he was the next best thing to a father I loved everything he did and I loved him I was upset that my mom was going to marry him but I was going off my sisters feeling but shortly after I went on ,y own feeling and Don.l and I became close she was it and I loved everything about him after many years of thinking what went wrong when did we drift and I remember living in Austin my mom and Don't had a baby together and I got in a fight with Daniela like sisters do, Daniela was way younger than I was ut that was Don'l child. we were outside playing and we were playing flipping around I don't remember the details but Daniela got hurt and he got mad to this day im sure he wont say it but thats when things went wrong but hours later when he found out I remember I was in the shower and he wanted me to come out so he can talk to me about it I didn't open the door until my mom told me to and he was yelling and blablabal anyways I remember going to my room shouting the door and he came in and sill mad he took my dads picture the only picture I had of my dad and said I didn't need it my mom loving Don'l like she do and scared of him she went alone with it did I tell you my dad was dead yea he was anyways from that point on my life went down hell and I just didn't care. Men couldn't be trust and Id never forgive my mom. My life was all about party drugs and sleeping around and all the time I was out of pontas life and for that I will never forgive my self. I'm sad I allowed my pass to control my life. I lived to drink and I got drunk and drove drunk and my life spiritual life was not even in line with what God wanted for me and I didn't care. I seen, did, and said anything and I hated like I hated my self but you can  only tell by my life style because I showed on the outside that I had it all together and I loved my self. God protected me from so much. I lived in my car, I had to sleep with men for a place to stay and I was not in my child's life but i masked it all. I was living my life in a world grave. for many years this went on nothing changing the same thing in and out, Then I got married to this wonderful guy christian man and i will spend the rest of my life getting over him, he had real love for me put I pushed him away I didn't want the church life that he wanted but he loved me still and I'm always going to be sorry for it. He was it he was the man I think God wants me with and I did it my way thats why I lost him and im paying for it now.